Thursday, September 10, 2009

Staying with In-laws!!!

Many thanks for taking the effort to do the poll on "Staying with In-Law". Out of the 28 of you who voted, only 4 voted to stay with their In-laws. So, I belongs to the majority who simply cannot accept the idea of staying with my in-laws.

What's the poll for?

I used it hoping to persuade my Emperor Qin (hubby) not to make any rash act but sad to say, Emperor Qin is a tyrant and I failed.

You see, we will be getting a bigger place for our family and the initial agreement with hubby was that it was meant for us only. Of course, when his parents are older and my MIL tamer then, I assured him that we will definitely "accept" them in to take care of them. But NOT NOW!

I was so looking forward to our new house when he suddenly announced during our extended family dinner gathering that his entire family will be coming over with us! That was absolutely the rudest shock I received this year! This meant that not only his parents will be joining us, but his 2 brothers and a teenage sister too! I was really furious!

I boycott him for the next few days till he finally sat down to discuss it again with me. After much persuasion, he gave in a little. The decision? His parents and teenage sister will be coming with us.

He is a filial man, I know. He wants to look after his parents and hope that our kids will see and learn too. He always says "You want your children to look after you when you are old, right?" Of course, I hope our kids will look after us when we are old but, frankly, I have never thought of staying with them. Just hope that they will come back and visit us once a week. Told him that its not easy to stay together and it will spoilt the relations and his answer to me was that I watched to many HongKong drama.

So if staying with PIL is not bad enough, I have to put up with his teenage sister which I totally cannot stand. I don't know why, she didn't do any thing wrong to me, but I just cannot bring myself to love her. I don't mind seeing her and having small chat with her, but NOT staying with her!

I tried explaining to hubby that he is making the wrong decision by forcing us to stay together. I told him my current relationship with his parents is good and told him not to risk it but he said he is willing to take the risk! *faint*

I am still sulking over his selfish decision to stay with his parents and sister and get really touchy whenever he mentioned about the new house and the impending move. He knows that I gave in a lot and thus whenever I snapped at him over this issue, he would "sayang" me and ask me to cool down.

But how to cool down?? He said that I will set the house's rule and his parents and sister will follow..Oh, come on?! How do you expect me to force my ILs to abide to my style of living and teaching/ handling of my kids?!! Even if his parents were to "follow", there will prone to be unhappiness.

Sometimes, I do ask myself, "Am I selfish? By doing this, am I not filial? Was I wrong not to stay with my IL?" But the fear of staying with them soon over took these "guilty" thoughts.

*sigh*..All I can do now is to pray hard for a miracle..Oh.Please, please help me change his mind.


quEeNie said...

I agree that 'its not easy to stay together and it will spoilt the relationship'...last time I stay with my IL due to my hubby too, end up it really do spoilt the relationship and this year we moved out & stay on our own and our relationships does get much better than before...

hope that your hubby will change his mind...

Pet said...

Well... I think my hubby will also 'invite' his parents to stay with him, but it's only both of them! Hubby is the youngest.

Sometimes my PIL came and stay with me a few weeks, that was during both my confinements, it was still bearable. But, if anything disagreement do come up, I just let me hubby handle.

But, if hubby really do invite them to stay permanent...erh, I will change my hubby's mind too!

mommy to chumsy said...

oh poor blessed mom. I understand what you are going through. It's definitely not easy to stay with the outlaws. No privacy and some will control you :( My MIL just came back and will be staying with us most of the time :( We have different of opinions so it's not going to be easy.

Err...if his parents have their own place, why can't they stay on their own and come visit once in a while?

I also hope that a miracle will happen and you don't have to go through this. If no choice, then you gotta be really patient and speak less at home :(

BoeyJoey said...

My in-laws used to stay one block away from our house; they too have a son in mid 20s and a teenage daughter. Even though we are not staying together, we see each other often. Guess who gave the most problems? The MIL. And this MIL influenced the FIL, SIL, BIL.

So, we moved to a place further away, and we see them much much less. Less problems too.

If there's no choice and you have to stay with them, try to talk less and mingle with them less. If any touchy issues arise, try not to deal with them but go to hubby straightaway.

It may not be as bad as you imagined? All the best ya...

Angeline said...

A marriage is not just the two lovey dovey couples ya?
A marriage is of 2 totally different upbringing and hence 2 totally different belief systems.

To your hubby, his priority is to stay with them to show filial piety. To you, seeing them once a week or as and when its needed is good enough.

You two are NOT arguing, its just what you believe in IS arguing. So how to solve the problem? *wink*

1- TRY with a grouchy face 24/7, 365 days a year.

2- TRY with a smiling face 24/7, 365 days a year.

Give it a good shot! Let's say 6 months. If things are ok, let it be.... if things turned out terrible, meaning you two argue more than often.... then NEED to sit down and TALK IT OUT AGAIN. *smile*

For now, enjoy your super duper FREEDOM!!! Instead of anticipating all the 'bad' stuff that hmmmm...which just might NOT happen at all! *wink*

The Beauties In Our Lives said...

My heart goes out to you. My hubby feels the same way too, but I always tell him that I will only move in when my MIL is tamer, like u said, and when they are older. Then, there will be less conflicts! Oh dear, does that mean we will not be neighbours soon!!

K said...

aiyo poor poor ting. i'm not as nice as those ladies who commented here. when we were getting married, hubby just mentioned casually abt staying w his family, i immed burst out crying and said tt i'd rather not get married then.

pardon me, but altho i tink it's gd 4 us to b filial but once we r married, w kids, somemore, e priority shld b the spous n kids already. ur hubby shld put u n e kids 1st. i agree tt it is a selfish tt ur hubby din consult u 1st. i tink if i were u, i'd just take e kids n move to my mums as a show of unhappiness. but i haf less kids lah. haha

my mil is real nice but even then, when she came over for my bedrest n confinement tt few mths, i already cldn't tahan. n it's not 24/7. it's e way she handled e kids, e way she wanna take charge o certain aspects o e household. not her fault, we just haf diff styles n beliefs.

no kids still nt so bad but well, she really spoils e kids n u noe kids. they'll run to whoever who will pamper them. one mth was enof to totally change mandy n turn her into a spoilt brat. n i dare say, all grandparents pamper their grandchild and most dun discipline enof.

so NO. i won't wanna stay w ILs, not even my parents. until they r, like wat u say, old n nowhere to go liao. if they still haf a place, they can live by themselves. honestly, tink they're happier lidat too.

if i were u, i'd tell hubby. ok, can try but once i cannot take it, n tink it's spoiling e family harmony, i'll take e kids n move out. *grin*

K said...

oh n i'm like u. i dun expect to live w my kids when i'm old. i dun tink tt means they're unfilial. n i DUN watch any HK dramas. *blink*

Blessed mum said...

*sigh* too bad that i do not have an easy hubby..hee..he is not nickname "Emperor Qin" for nothing! *wink*

beauties In Our Lives - my only hope (0.001%) is that hubby changes his mind and we stay put here...

K - u speak my mind!!! i would have taken yr suggestion if i hv lesser kids *wink* but knowing my hubby, he won't give in to hard approach.

and u r so right on the kids issue..if no kids, still bearable, but with kids involve, that's the main concern!

once when i was halfway lecturing my girl, she actually asked my girl over and "sweet talk" her! I was boiling!!

And she loves to snack just before meal and she would buy donut for my girls and let them eat just before meal!! GGgrrr!!

Moomykin said...

I am at the endge of the opposite of you.

When we got married, we stayed in a small place with my mil and bil. A year after we got married, my fil came back from work abroad and when our new place was ready, mil and fil moved in with us.

Unfortunately for us, mil and fil bicker all the time because she is ultra sensitive and he is super at scolding everyone, plus totally negative in everything he says.

We are on the edge of relocating and due to a minor argument I had with fil, I mentioned in passing to mil that I don't want her to bring fil along, if she wants to move with us, in the new place as we would be staying in a condo (we are now in a double storey house). This was after she initiated by asking if i wanted her to follow us so that I get some help with the kids, and of course to still cook for us.

Hubby and I are really just waiting to move away from them because

1. When we were getting married, I never knew what kind of a man his father was and so agreed to stay together so that his mom won 't be lonely.

2. He also did not know that his father had become just a grump/grouch/narrow-minded and picky old man after having been away for quite a few years working in another country.

3. Waking up to the sound of your parents/in-laws bickering about breakfast is so wrong in starting a day.

4. It is hard to instill certain discipline qualities with different school of thoughts running at the same time under the same roof. The kids are very smart and know who to go for that "treats" they want. I must confess there were time I felt like telling my in-laws to go sit at a corner on the thinking chair. Hah!

And so... I have ranted my grieviences... and maybe it is not exactly the same scenario as yours but I always have felt that it would have been better if we stayed even just nest door, because we will have our own private space and if we need to be away, we can just stay home and not go over.

p/s- Tell hubby no need to see HK drama. Watch Everybody Loves Raymond also same kind of headache, although we think it's funny.

Dora said...

Totally understand your feeling as myself can't stay with ILs too coz to me, they are come from different planet!

Anyway, this one shld be discussed & handled properly with your hubby + hope he'll change his mind... Cheers :-)

Meekfreek said...

Ummm....well Michelle, I would be super pissed off if my hubby announced it at the dinner table before discussing it with me first.

However, if he initially planned to fit so many people in then your new house must be pretty big and in that case...errr maybe it will be ok?

Given the fact you are an experienced Mummy of 4 then I don't think your MIL need interfere. Afterall, she has her own teenaged daughter to care for.

I do understand how you feel. I would not be able to accept living with my ILs either. However, if my hubby was to buy a house behind your gal's school there....then I may be able to come around...

mumsgather said...

I guess if your house is big enough, you can still have your privacy. You can try to arrange it so that you have your own living space, like a condo or apartment within a house so you can escape there if you need to.

I think its great that your husband is such a filial son. Its really hard to find such a man these days. However, he probably should have discussed it with you first before he announce it yah.

Filial son translates to good family man. So don't fret so much. Try it out first and see how. But of course its easy for me to say, since I don't have any ILs.

Blessed mum said...

meekfreek - hahaha..if hubby buy those houses behind my gals sch, i wont mind too! those are like castle!

mumsgather - know the equation too..but not staying together doesn't mean that he is not filial, right?

Everyday Healy said...

Oh! If he insist, may be you shouldn't waste time arguing. Just make sure you have a super duper, big, nice and complete bedroom which will let you enjoy your full privacy when they are around.

Life just isn't perfect. Sometimes, we need to gives in if there is no choice. Talking about the way we teach our kids, I am staying with my own mum, still I cannot tolerate with her styles too. Then, I got a granny who got Alzheimer will ask me the same question a thousand times in one day. And, being stubborn. Keep all the nonsense in open baskets, then arguing with us because she refuse to change, thinking that she just change her clothes which she actually wore it for 5 days already.

Then, I got a nanny who take care of me since young, who is 60+, who will always leave the fridge door open and forget to switch off the tap. Yet, we still let her stay with us. Pay her just to cook for us since she got no place to go. But the lunch will only be out around 2pm.

Come on. Old people really ain't easy to handle. Cause young and old people are really quite in different channel. It's been so many times I told myself I cannot tolerate anymore.

But, I still stay with them since married until now. Cause I know, they need me. May be I will still decide to leave them alone when I am too sick of tolerating, but, if I do so, I will never consider myself filial. Deep in my heart, I just knew it, If I can tolerate my baby so much, and I choose to let go these old people, I am simply a bit selfish. What do you think?

I am thinking may be you will understand your hubby more with all this that I have share. Hope it's not bordering you.

Anyway, there is no right and wrong in this issue. I do think may be we would be happier if we can stay separately. As the main thing is we don;t need to tolerate each other anymore.

Somehow, things just happened. Then, how about we just treat it as a lesson we should learn in our life. Of course, if your hubby agrees not to take them in. Then, you are blessed! :P

Everyday Healy said...

Sorry for being so long winded. All the best!

Wonderful Life said...

I one of the 4 who voted staying with in laws :P

well, i'm lucky that i don't have any problems staying wt in laws. i've got a good mil who does the house chores and even washes my laundry :D Except that my fil who always take over the astro for football or whatever sports program :P

Blessed mum said...

Everyday healy - I'll definately be spending huge amt of time in my bedroom for sure.

As i mentioned, I definately will take them in if they have no place to go or needed our assistance in their daily life, but they are not. They are still very very active!

Filial doesn't means we have to stay together and its not like we don't bother abt them anymore. In fact, we meet up almost every week, sometimes, twice! They joined us in almost our every family outing.

Blessed mum said...

wonderful life - you are really lucky to have such nice ILs..

K said...

blessed mum,
sigh. so how's tings? do pardon me for speaking my mind but i hafta say it lah. for me, if this happened to me, my main issue would be tt my hubby dun respect me enof to discuss such impt tings w me. but knowing guys.. or rather knowing tt we dunno guys so well, haha, it might haf just skipped his mind. still, i wld tink tt e wife is e mistress o e house, n it takes both e master n mistress to make such an impt decision like this. no? aiyo, i hope i'm not making tings worse 4 u by writing such tings. just wanna support u lah.

i agree w u. if our parents need us, it'll be unfillial o us to not take them in. but if they dun, den of cos my spouse n kids come 1st. like i said, my mum totally dislikes e idea o staying w us. she wans her freedom too. she's divorced n prefers to stay alone, by herself. because she's still active and she wanna go out w frens n live as she pleases. she noes, no matter wat, there'll be conflicts when she stays w me or my sis n bil. so she is fighting v hard 2 keep her own place. (my sis is getting married n wants her to live w them, she noes tis means increased chores n decreased personal space)

as for kids. some ppl can take it quite easy. as in, e everyday envt, their discipline etc. i'm e kind who can't take it easy. my 1st priority is the kids n i will try my best to provide e best envt 4 them. some grandparents r great for kids, some not so. not their fault, just e way they are. e tings tt u mention she did hor, r really not tings tt i wanna see happen lor.

mb u can do tis. write a list o house rules, since ur hubby asked u to. include tings like, not letting e kids snack b4 meals, not interfering when parents r lecturing/scolding/punishing kids, not watching violent TV shows when e kids r ard etc etc. make ur hubby show his mum e list. if ur hubby can do tt n ur mil can swallow tt, den ok lor.

it's not being mean. it's being reasonable. he made up his mind bt how he wanna live, u can make up urs too. n e only way u can live w his ILs is lidat lor. granted, it's not fair to make ur ILs change their way o living. but you don't want them to either. it's just tt you all being forced to live together. isn't it?

sigh, will get flamed for tis. hehe

Xinyingg said...

Hahah, i wonder what would mum's reaction be when she see this..
But why you cant bri yourself to love his sis?

Blessed mum said...

K - really appreciate your support. you and i are so alike! Frightening! hahaha...

what you had suggested (the list of to-do or rather not-to-do, i had actually given a verbal list to hb and he actually passed the msg to ILs,word for word! *faint* MIL didn't say anything but i'm sure it will not sit well wif her or anyone.

my girl told me that hb scolded MIL for giving them sweets again just before mealtime when i wasn't around.. *sigh* I can only see dark clouds ahead..

Miche said...

i'm living my MIL and BIL (not married yet then) since the day i got married. then that BIL got married and i hv SIL staying with us. because of electricity bill, they left! 2 of them uses triple our monthly amount without them! and i hv to for it as agreed earlier. :(

my MIL is a nice lady but she complaints to her younger son about me. she picks up my laundry and hang my laundry voluntary but told his son otherwise! since then, our relationship was not as good as b4.

for 2 months already MIL is away with her son in KL and the house is mine. What a bliss! Tired also nevermind. :) I can have my own way.

Blessed mum said...

Miche - hi, i tried visiting your blog, but couldn't. is there a problem?

That's exactly what is like for me. MIL is not a very bad person but i find her a little hyprocrate. She will tell me one thing and tell her son (my hb) another. this will definately be a big issue next time. I rather be tired than to have such problem.


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