Wednesday, December 30, 2009

My Rant

Its been nearly weeks and finally I'm able to write these unhappy events without getting too emotional or agitated.

Since we gotten our new place, my SIL and MIL had been the topic of our near daily arguments and both hubby and I are tired of it. Its not that I started the fire, its MIL and SIL that did. At the end of every visit by them, Hubby and I would end up arguing after they left and the last incident really is the last straw for me!

It all begin this way:

Before the idea of in-laws coming over to stay with us, we have ample rooms for everyone in our family... the girls will share one room while the boys in one. We even have a big study room for the kids and I to do our work + a guest room/ playroom.

So now, with in-laws and SIL coming, we (my kids and I) are left without an area to do our work. Yes, of course, the kids can study in the dining/living area, even their own room. But I need a place to work and hubby needs too when he is at home. Now we are sharing the same work area and he couldn't stand my style (I have lots of KIV and paper works, so desk is usually filled with papers and stuff). So, I suggested to "built" a room outside our bedroom at the balcony area while hubby pointed out that we can share the BIG room with SIL instead. I was reluctant.

Incident One

On the informal house warming night, they came over to tour the house. When they were in my room, I heard SIL commenting to her daddy "Oh! They (hubby and I) are so lucky! They even have a walk-in wardrobe!" This sentence was not said with envy but with jealous tone..(there's a different if you know what I mean). Oh..I forgot to add that currently SIL is taking the master bedroom in their own place.


That night when she was back at her house, she actually cried to MIL!! One must be very puzzled..why, since her room is already the biggest among all of us (she was told that the big room is hers). MIL told hubby that SIL was upset that my girls' room has all the nice built-in shelving and hers is so bare!!! Then MIL as usual tried to cover up for SIL by saying "She is just a kid".


When hubby told me this, I was puzzled and also boiling inside but kept my cool. She is not a kid anymore!! She is a teenager! A 14 years old girl!! Even my sister who is 1 year older than her would not have said such a thing!

We had given her a big room and yet she still make a fuss over it. So I told hubby the next night that I will take up his suggestion (to share the room with her). I know I did it out of spike and anger. Although she is such an ungrateful brat, I felt terrible inside that I have turn myself into Cinderella's stepmother. Felt so evil...guilty feeling?? I don't know but my thinking was that I am only allowing her to be with us till she turns 21 and out she goes..the most I gave her till 24 years old. I'm not going to have her till she decides to marry off..what if she doesn't?!

Incident Two


One week later, they came again and hubby broke the decision to them. Right away, MIL protested in her usual discreet way, telling hubby "This isn't very good idea, right? What if your sister make too much noise while the kids are studying? Also, you have 4 children. Think long term, with only that half, it would not be enough, isn't it?" Hubby kept quiet.


Then, they went downstairs and MIL suddenly suggested for us to built a study room at the side of the house instead. I heard everything and I told hubby off in front of MIL. That place is so hot, it would be a glass house effect! MIL kept quiet. She is very good in portraying a pathetic person. I was stupid to fall in the trap!

Hubby reprimanded me that night for shutting other people's kind suggestion. He said that MIL is just being nice and worried for the kids being disturb by SIL if they were to share the same room.

Since that night, we have been arguing on where the room should be. I know my stand was not make with clear cool mind but I just couldn't control my anger whenever I thought of what SIL said and how MIL maneuver the whole thing.

Hubby thinks that to make that as a bedroom will look funny but if its a study room, its good idea since it overlooking the garden. But I just don't want her to come up stairs and intrude into our private area.


We finally came to the conclusion to give it a try and plans were made to divide the room.


Then came the finally straw!!

Incident Three


They came and SIL rushed upstairs to "her" room with a bag of things. Rachel was with her and Rachel told her that that room is not only hers but theirs too. They were talking and Rachel shouted for me saying that SIL is putting things up on the wall. SIL standing at her halve of the room asking me "Is THAT their study room?" I replied "Yes" and I walked off, not wanting to talk to her.

When I came back out, I met her at the stairs and she stomped passed me and showed me her white eyes!! What the shit she think she is!!! Yet, I still kept my cool. Only after they left did I know that she actually cried and complained to PIL and hubby that I said that room was not hers!! When did I said that!!! I only says "yes" to her question if half of the room belongs to the girls!! Hubby said that though SIL is rude but by what I said, I was the one that started the provocation!! He went on to give a stupid example "if you stared at someone and got beaten up, when the police question you, you think you did not do anything which provocate the other person, but by staring, you are asking for trouble."

Pulling My Hair Out


We had the biggest argument that night since we moved in!!!

What made matter worst is the next day, MIL brought SIL to hubby's office and do what she is best at. She made SIL apologise to him and MIL told hubby to "forget about it" and don't pursue the incident with me anymore. Hubby interpret that MIL is scared of me but I know her well. Its not she is scared of me, she is trying to be the Mrs Nice in front of him. And by telling hubby to forget about the incident meant that I was in the wrong and they are forgiving me!!!! ARHhhhh...super angry!!

Throughout the week, the tension in our house was so high. Any mentioned of SIL's name will see both of us really to "fight" in words. It really affected me and I totally have no more mood to cook or do anything. I tried to talk myself out of this anger but I really was mad.

Then, Hubby commended one night that the food was so boring, every day the same stuff. My reply to him was "when a woman gave up the kitchen, it also means the woman had given up on the family" He knows this time I was truly angry. After dinner that night, I gave him the ultimatum. If he insist on SIL coming in, the children and I will move out. I can't stand the sight of them anymore. I cannot bring myself to be a hypocrite. I am a person that show all my emotion on my face, I cannot pretend to welcome them when they had caused us so many unhappy nights.

Only after the ultimatum was served, hubby finally decided to sit through and talked about the whole thing and addressed my feelings without ending up quarrelling. The decision make that night was, instead building it for our study, we are going to make it as SIL room. The kids and I will use the entire room that was meant to be hers.

Am I being mean? Am I unreasonable? It makes her like Cinderella, sleeping outside the house and me the evil/ cruel stepmother.


They know I am unhappy and didn't come for a while. Our house was peaceful!


Anyway, I can feel the regrets in hubby for asking them in but its too late to say no now. He has been cracking his head for other options to place them but none is financially wise....


Tell me, was I wrong in anyway? Was my decision right?

Latest happening


They came over for dinner and that brat didn't even greeted me!! She see through me as if I wasn't even there!! No greeting when they arrived, no greeting when we start our dinner and no bye-bye when they left!!! If she is angry, so AM I!!!

16 comments:

Ling That's Me said...

I can really understand what you are going through, bcuz my MIL & 22yo SIL live with me too. I am not used to their living habits and not sure how long am I going to live with them :(

Big hugz to you!

K said...

no no, u din do anything wrong. u tried your best and you just didn't want to be a hypocrite and wants the best for your family. and i think you're super patient and tolerant, i'd haf given my hubby that ultimatum b4 they even move in!

poor thing leh you. i think if u need to get mad, get mad. although it's a terrible feeling to have tt anger in you all the time. but who can tahan such behaviour? n who should? i say, show ur displeasure but try as best as u can to be zen inside. be no pushover but dun be affected too much by it either. if u keep quiet, ur hubby n ILs will think all r ok, tt wat they're doing is ok and seriously, it's not.

all e best! be strong 4 ur kids. bring them out more lor. hehe.

i'm v practical. if someone is mean to me or is out to create disharmony in the family, i'll not respect tt person, family or not. so if u can take it, just treat ur SIL n MIL as invisible lor. be zen!

Aces Family said...

This is what we called 家家有本难念的经。

It's tough esp when In-laws are involved in the situation.

Just hoping that all will be well.

Just being a bit "cheena", chinese said if the house create quarrels, it means that the fengshui may not be good...not sure if you believe.

All the best !!

astee

Leona said...

I salute you !
For your courage to stand up to yur in-laws. That SIL of yours is a real spoilt brat and does not know any respect. especially that you are her aunty. Who does she think she is??? Some more SHE is the one coming to stay under your roof!

Yeah... all these can really strain the relationship between hubs and u. Especially that he is caught in the middle.

Pet said...

Hopefully all will be all right soon... HANG ON.

Meekfreek said...

Oh Michelle....I don't know what to say except hang in there and ask God to help you.

I am so sorry that u have to go through this and I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, you are being extremely accommodating and generous.

I have a similar story except it was my own family that took in my cousins who came from Indo to study in Australia. They were teenagers too and it made my life a misery to have them in our house. Til today I have unhappy memories about it but of course I have gotten over it now since it was about 20 yrs ago.

I hope ur kids will be ok.

*hugz*

allthingspurple said...

I totally can relate to you. I had a younger sis staying with me before she got married and it was a nightmare too. Gates and door unlocked when she came home after partying at 3am and all that stuff, and I have 2 young ones at home. Scary. It's hard when relatives are staying with you.

Baby Darren said...

Oh..it's very hard when the man we married is a super filial son to his parents.

But I believe you have to stand firm to what you want becoz this is YOUR family and no one can actually interrupt the harmony in your family.

It is definitaly not easy and I really hope you guys can have a solution to this problem soon!

mNhL said...

I can understand the anger and difficulties you are facing when staying with in-laws. I'm also staying with in-laws. I can say, I'm blessed with a good parent in-laws, but the SIL always interrupt with the way I discipline my own kids. Recently, I cannot take it anymore and just say out loud in front of everyone. Both are now blacked face. But I don't care!

HN said...

When I first read that your in-laws are going to stay with you, I knew unpleasant scenarios will happen sooner or later. Out of 10 MIL/SIL, only 1 who is normal. I don't expect them to be a good one, to behave 'normally' is good enough for me :P
Hang in there my friend, you are not the bad one, stop feeling guilty about it. I am 100% stand by your side :)

BoeyJoey said...

I can really relate to you. Eventhough my in laws are not staying with us, we lived near enough to experience problems. That's one of the reason why we shifted to another place further away.

My MIL too loves to play the victim. So really, patience is key. And never act in anger. Never quarell with them too, it will only serve as bullets for them to talk to your hubby.

Hang in there. Hope things will get better. :-)

XinYinggg said...

Sis <3, Chill!~ Jus forgive and forget barh, you've done what you shld do... & she is really spoilt marh... She shld be satisfied liao lorh... Anw since she ignored you, thn you also ignore her la... & we are always thr to support you! :D Be Happy Kays!~ (: *muacks*

Angeline said...

sorry, I came over so late.
What an Incredible post! I truly enjoyed it. Not that I enjoy your 'suffering', but that I enjoy reading about YOU!!!

Ok, first thing, you have a sister who is so many years younger than you???!!!

Next, my dear... I'm sorry. I remember your very first post about your man being the decision maker and that you have no choice in the PIL moving in matter. That time, I wanted to tell you what 'I' would do. But I didn't. 'Cos different family have different 'rules' and values.

Now I see what you CAN DO!!! I probably should have told you back then. My dear, a hubby will NEVER let go of his wife for his direct family. That's what I realised. Unless the man does not love his wife anymore.

Hence, (back then) if you REALLY didn't want them to move in, (even now) YOU CAN!!! If you are determined, there are thousand and one ways!!!

But I see you are having struggles WITHIN yourself. That's the problem.

You don't want to put your hubby in a difficult position, since he had already given the word to your MIL and SIL. Yet, the sight of MIL and SIL disgust you completely!

My dear, I see you love your hubby lots. I see you put him before yourself and his interest before yours. Yet, you are unhappy. Is it worth it?

If your answer is yes, then you MUST learn to live with your MIL and SIL. And the chances of SIL to stay till she gets married is very high. 'Cos once she is in, (deep in you, you know) its hard to get her out. *smile*

If your answer is no. You do not want to live the rest of your life on the bubble of getting into a quarrel with your hubby almost every day. Then you MUST go all out liao. Including finding other ways to 'place' them somewhere else.
Remember, they have NOT move in yet and your 'house' is already 'vibrating' with quarrels. Imagine if they move in?

*Biggest Bear Hugs*

mommy to chumsy said...

omigod! i can feel myself boiling too while reading your post. how can that brat be so ungrateful? how dare she throws tantrums and have the guts to even ignore you? i think best that she doesn't come stay with all of you at all. you didn't do anything wrong. i would go berserk if the same thing were to happen to me. hang in there my dear friend. it's not easy and i truly sympathize with you. take care.

The Beauties In Our Lives said...

Hang in there! I think whatever you did is right, standing by your immediate family and your values. Priority goes to your children, and I am amazed by your resilience so far. My heart really goes out to you....!

4malmal said...

I am not any good at living with in laws ...so I can't give u any good advice
Angeline sounds like a real expert, perhaps u should heed her advice. I would think, just follow your heart...cos rationale thinking doesn't work all the time..esp when it comes to getting along with pp, hmmm...
good luck!

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